Living "our" American Dream

Daddies and Daughters

2010-04-24T14:46:00.004-04:00

I have been putting off coming back to my blog because I knew I could not move forward with a post about my father passing away. I am grateful that I know exactly where he is now, I can not imagine how families can go through this without the assurance that their loved one in in Heaven.

January 21, 2010 will go down as one of the most heartbreaking days in my life, I still cry daily over the loss of my father. Brandon went to my parents house to sit with my mom the night my dad died, I think we all knew that it was only hours away, but no one dared mention it. As the night wore on they had to call the nurse out to help relieve the pain he was going through and sometime between 2-3 am my father went home to meet his maker. Brandon and my mom had drifted off to sleep just minutes before he passed ( a blessing from God I believe). Brandon had to be the one to wake my mom up and let her know that he was gone. At 3:45 am I heard the key in the front door and knew that Brandon had come to get me. The tears would just not come, I think that I just expected my world to end at the same time. How does a daddy's girl go on without her daddy???

My father was there for me from day one and I have to remind myself that he is still there now, just watching from a little further away than he used to.

I Love you Daddy!!! I hope that I can be half the parent to my children that you have been to me.

It's funny, but I have found myself praying that Anabelle would not be as close to Brandon as I was to my dad, crazy I know, but I though that I could one day spare her the pain that I now feel . I know that this is the exact opposite of what my dad would want from me, I know that he cherished the relationship that my sister and I had with him. How do you guard your heart from the pain of loss? You can't, if you never feel the pain of loss then you have never made real connections and that is the greatest loss.

I am sure that there will be tears for years to come, I just pray that they turn form tears of pain to tears of joy at some point.

Noah asks every morning "Are you still sad that Papa is in Kevin(Heaven)?" All I can say is yes I am still sad, but it is a little less today than it was yesterday. In true 3 year old wisdom he responds"well mom, you should not be sad, you will go to Kevin sooner than I will so you will see him first" Thats right buddy...mommy is working her way to Kevin to see Papa....

New Year..New Me

2010-01-06T20:46:00.002-05:00

Ok time to cleanse my head, body, and soul. I am ready to take this new year by the horns. This will be my year, I will not let all the bad things pull me down.

I will blog more, I need to get all these thoughts out and put them on paper (um..digital paper). I will love my children better. I will be a better wife. I will be a better me.

Ebates

2009-08-11T20:47:00.002-04:00

http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=tMHALTRRgttSV30cJ7WxcQ%3D%3D

Ok so here is the deal, click above and sign up to get rebates on the places that you already shop (old navy, target, JC Penny). All the places that we love to spend money anyway. If you want to pay me to shop at your store then i am all over it...wouldn't you agree?

CVS

2009-08-09T11:52:00.004-04:00

Ok, I have never been big on coupons and all that jazz, but suddenly I find the checking account bare and the realization that I have been wasting hundreds of dollars a years smacks me right in the face.

The new me cuts all the coupons I can find, downloads every ecoupon out there, and even reads all the sales papers to be sure I buy from the right store. Big Daddy wend with me today to CVS and was amazed that I walked out of the store with all the following:

2 jumbo Packs PullUps
1 Free Soy Candle by Glade
1 Solie Razor with 4 extra cartridges
2 Old Spice Gel Deodorants
2 Colgate Gel Toothpaste

All for a grand total of $7.99 out of Pocket!!!

I am hooked on this whole coupon thing! I headed to Kroger after that and saved $76.52. My goal is to that lady that walks into the grocery store and all the employees run the other way because they know that I will have a HUGE stack of coupons !!!!

Pisca

2009-08-01T18:06:00.001-04:00

Just playing around with some of Anabelle's pictures on the computer. I can't believe she only has a bow in her hair for two of there..what kind of a girl mom am I??? My sister in law would be so disappointed in me.

SwagBucks.com

2009-07-28T21:12:00.001-04:00

http://swagbucks.com/?cmd=sb-register&rb=817477

Check this out, it pays you to shop and search the web...for every friend that you have sign up and shop you get a match of their points. a lady I work with just bought a new Apple Laptop for her daughter with these points!!

2009-07-28T19:03:00.002-04:00

Ok this this post will be short, but I just have to brag on Hunter for a little bit. Hunter was 4 when Noah was born and i agonized for weeks over how Noah's birth would effect Hunter...in the end it was all wasted time, Hunter loves Noah to death.

When Anabelle was born I again worried about how both my boys would handle their new roles but I rejoiced in the fact that Noah had such a good example to follow....

In true F Family form I believe that my boys were born fathers, Anabelle does not stand a chance when she gets older, she will have one "Big Daddy" and two little daddies (hey I like Big Daddy...I think it will stick). My boys will not let Anabelle crawl over a toy without helping her get over it or moving it out of the way. I have to remind both of them that she has to learn to do things on her own.

Hunter has been such an amazing example for Noah, this is not to say Hunter is perfect, there are days that I want to beat him (figuratively, of course). Generally speaking I have been very please with how well my oldest has accepted his place in our family.

I LOVE YOU HUNTER!!!

Not My Child(ren) Monday

2009-07-27T20:42:00.003-04:00

Not my kids...I don't pimp them out as free security!!

Daddy's and Daughters

2009-07-24T21:54:00.003-04:00

For years i have been trying to adjust to the fact that my father is going to die before I want him too, lately I feel this burden to prepare myself for his death...pretty morbid I know.

My father has been the most important man in my life and no matter how hard I try I just can not come to grips with the fact that he will not always be here. Last weekend Brandon and I were driving back for Kentucky with little to talk about when I suddenly bust into tears and confessed "You can not be a pall bearer for my fathers funeral"...my dad is not dead why in the hell would I feel the need to talk about that? After a few seconds of silence Brandon's only response was "Michelle I already know that when your dad dies I will have to send the kids away and take care of you".

I have always been a little emotional I'll give him that, but apparently a lot of people around me feel that I will not be able to care for my self let alone my kids when my dad does pass. After a heated discussion about his comments Brandon informed me that everyone knew I would fall apart and there were already people lined up to help with our kids during that time - how am I supposed to feel about that? My children are the most important thing to me, but after a lot of soul searching I agreed that he was right to have planned ahead for this.

My father has never been one to scold me, he has always been fair and willing to listen to anything that I have had to say. After a very traumatic time in my life my dad picked up and moved me to Florida, we sat up all night watching HSN because I could not sleep for fear that someone was coming to get me, we hung out all day watching the manatee in the bay, my dad was my saviour....and it breaks my heart to think of the pain that I caused him.

At 19 I ran off and married a man 10 years my elder, I never said where I was going or when I would be back my parents actually thought that I had been abducted. after 2 days of being married I realized that I was not a wife but a prisoner (long story for another day) I was locked in a basement and held against my will for 3 months before my I could run away...my father was there to pick me up, carry me home, and was more than willing to "correct the problem". Thankfully my dad can have a clear conscious, the law handled the "problem", but my father had to put me back together....

Not sure that you can ever be ready to say goodbye, but I know that my time with him is very short...a heart transplant 3 years ago and CML are eating away the moments we have left. I treasure the time that we still have ahead of us and dread them all at the same time I run through everything I want to say to him every time we talk and I still don't think he knows how much i love him, I refuse to let him talk about death around me, I make my kids tell him how much they love him everyday, and I cry at night to think that my youngest two will probably never remember him alive...

The phone rang the other night at 1 am and I was so afraid that it would be my mom on the other end I could not answer it, Brandon had to reach over me to get the phone only to find out it was a wrong number, I have let the fear of what is to come paralyze me and I know that it is keeping me from enjoying the time that we do have left, I just don't know how to stop it.

I never let my dad walk me down an isle, I did not want to feel like he was ever giving me away (this thrilled Brandon, he hates weddings)....I pray everyday that my dad finds a place of comfort and that I have a peace about what is the inevitable......

I have no clue why this has been so heavy on my heart, it's not like he is much worse this week than he was last week, but it has been pulling on me for months now.......

I am a Daddy's Little Girl to this day....

Workin to make a day's pay...

2009-07-22T20:20:00.000-04:00

Ok so i have to wonder if I am the only mom in the world who wakes my children up in the morning before I leave for work just so i can feel better about myself as a mother. I have a nanny (Rosie) who is amazing with my children, Rosie comes to the house in the morning so technically i could let my sweet children sleep in, but no not me, I wake them up with kisses and hugs so that I can know I was the first person they saw that morning....poor kids......

My job has some perks, I foreclose on Builders all day everyday, put my Real Estate Agents and Attorneys love me! Work can be the most stressful place in the world right now, there are so many builders losing everything and the tenants that I have to talk to daily are all looking at me like I am the bad guy. I have taken calls that end with someone calling me a "blood sucking bitch", I have received nasty emails from tenants telling me I was the reason that their family was going to have to move to another state, I have even received pies and cakes that had to be thrown away for fear of what they might have in them. Foreclosure is a nasty business.....

It always surprises me when you get to a point in your career that you realize you have stopped going to others and asking questions...they are now coming to you to ask you questions. I think that I have reached that point in my career and it is kind of nice. I find myself explaining things to others and having an out of body experience..here I am walking someone through how to handle a problem and I see myself going on and on I almost stop and say "wait, I have no clue what just came out of my mouth" but then I realize that no I do know what just came out and it is the right way to handle the situation. I love realization like this..I have succeeded where others have not. I am working one of the states largest banks out of the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression...I have arrived!!

Foreclosure are still on the rise, prices are lower now than they have been in MANY years, but there is a small light at the end of all this - an auto correction is taking place and even though any of us are being affected this correction the hope is that our children will be able to first time home buyers years before most of us were. Gone will be the days when your first house cost upwards of $200,000.00 , prices will correct themselves and we will once again see houses that sell for $100,000.00. This correction will be a good thing in the end, we just have to ride it out and help those around us that get caught in the undertow.....

This too shall pass..............

Miss Anabelle

2009-07-21T21:37:00.001-04:00

Anabelle is my little miracle baby. After finding out I was pregnant I had an ultrasound that showed no baby, after a two week waiting period I wend back in to get a diagnosis of "missed abortion" and by the grace of God there was my little girl on the ultrasound. her heart was beating away, she was perfect in every way. Like both my boys Anabelle was born premature, she was the only one that did not come home with me from the hospital. I spent 11 days going back and forth to the hospital to just sit by her bedside. Anabelle was a trooper, she fought hard and was able to come home after a short stay in the NICU. We count our blessing for each of our children everyday, but Anabelle has her own little place in my heart, she was the baby I was not sure I wanted until I was told I might have lost her. This little lady has completed our family, she has taught my boys a gentleness that I would have never been able to show them. She has made her daddy go weak in his knees, and she has shown me the joys of a daughter. We are in no short supply of drama when Anabelle is around, she can turn on the waterworks in a half second, I am sure that talent will only continue to develop as she grows.

Introductions

2009-07-21T20:55:00.001-04:00

This blog is an attempt to chronicle my families quest to reach our American Goal. Along the way we will stumble, fall, and inevitably get back up again..there will never be an end, but perhaps we will get to a point where we can live the dream.

Who are we you ask...

Michelle: a mother, wife, daughter, and so much more. I have always been a mother that works out side of the home, I leave me children everyday with a nanny, not something that I am proud of, but it has shaped who i have become. I work in the Special Assets Department of a local bank foreclosing on builders every month, not exactly the uplifting job I had pictured myself doing but it pays the bills and surprisingly I am pretty good at it. I love the man i married, we have been together for close to 8 years now...ours was the story of a high school couple that drifted apart and ended up back together. My parents are a very important part of my life, I still seek their approval in everything I do, not the most healthy thing I know. I am a wannabe scrapbooker that is afraid to glue anything down, I am a avid collector of anyone elses collections (eBay helps with this), as for the rest of me....I'm still search for that...I might just find myself through this journey.

Brandon: a husband, father, son. Brandon is an amazing father, his children are the light of his life. The Lord is Brandon's rock, I have to remind myself that Brandon does not have all the answers, not a day goes by that Brandon does not seek the Lords guidance in all he does. Brandon has stepped up to the plate and helped my family every time they have asked, he truly is my Prince.

The Kids: Hunter is my oldest, he is a strong willed child that has a very sensitive side to him that never ceases to amaze me. Hunter is a great big brother, I am blown away at the ease with which he has taken on the roll of big brother. Noah is the middle child, I have done little research on birth order, but I doubt Noah will ever be "lost in the middle". This little boy has more fire in him than you would expect, he is adorable with his blond hair and bow legs...everything in his world revolves around him. Noah has taken on the roll of big brother really well, he shows a gentleness with the baby, this by no means that he is not willing to fight with his brother. Anabelle is the baby and only girl, god help her if she plans to be a tomboy. I have big plans for my little girl and they all include frills and ruffles. Anabelle was determined to be in her first pageant this year (6 month old can be very persuasive when it comes to asking to be in pageants). I have not yet decided who Anabelle is more like, but I am sure she will surprise me.

That's us in a nutshell..no pets (we are not too good with pets), no white picket fence, no half children. We are just a family trying to find our American Dream in a world where so many seem to have lost sight of what is truly important.