I have been putting off coming back to my blog because I knew I could not move forward with a post about my father passing away. I am grateful that I know exactly where he is now, I can not imagine how families can go through this without the assurance that their loved one in in Heaven.
January 21, 2010 will go down as one of the most heartbreaking days in my life, I still cry daily over the loss of my father. Brandon went to my parents house to sit with my mom the night my dad died, I think we all knew that it was only hours away, but no one dared mention it. As the night wore on they had to call the nurse out to help relieve the pain he was going through and sometime between 2-3 am my father went home to meet his maker. Brandon and my mom had drifted off to sleep just minutes before he passed ( a blessing from God I believe). Brandon had to be the one to wake my mom up and let her know that he was gone. At 3:45 am I heard the key in the front door and knew that Brandon had come to get me. The tears would just not come, I think that I just expected my world to end at the same time. How does a daddy's girl go on without her daddy???
My father was there for me from day one and I have to remind myself that he is still there now, just watching from a little further away than he used to.
I Love you Daddy!!! I hope that I can be half the parent to my children that you have been to me.
It's funny, but I have found myself praying that Anabelle would not be as close to Brandon as I was to my dad, crazy I know, but I though that I could one day spare her the pain that I now feel . I know that this is the exact opposite of what my dad would want from me, I know that he cherished the relationship that my sister and I had with him. How do you guard your heart from the pain of loss? You can't, if you never feel the pain of loss then you have never made real connections and that is the greatest loss.
I am sure that there will be tears for years to come, I just pray that they turn form tears of pain to tears of joy at some point.
Noah asks every morning "Are you still sad that Papa is in Kevin(Heaven)?" All I can say is yes I am still sad, but it is a little less today than it was yesterday. In true 3 year old wisdom he responds"well mom, you should not be sad, you will go to Kevin sooner than I will so you will see him first" Thats right buddy...mommy is working her way to Kevin to see Papa....