Daddy's and Daughters

For years i have been trying to adjust to the fact that my father is going to die before I want him too, lately I feel this burden to prepare myself for his death...pretty morbid I know.

My father has been the most important man in my life and no matter how hard I try I just can not come to grips with the fact that he will not always be here. Last weekend Brandon and I were driving back for Kentucky with little to talk about when I suddenly bust into tears and confessed "You can not be a pall bearer for my fathers funeral"...my dad is not dead why in the hell would I feel the need to talk about that? After a few seconds of silence Brandon's only response was "Michelle I already know that when your dad dies I will have to send the kids away and take care of you".

I have always been a little emotional I'll give him that, but apparently a lot of people around me feel that I will not be able to care for my self let alone my kids when my dad does pass. After a heated discussion about his comments Brandon informed me that everyone knew I would fall apart and there were already people lined up to help with our kids during that time - how am I supposed to feel about that? My children are the most important thing to me, but after a lot of soul searching I agreed that he was right to have planned ahead for this.

My father has never been one to scold me, he has always been fair and willing to listen to anything that I have had to say. After a very traumatic time in my life my dad picked up and moved me to Florida, we sat up all night watching HSN because I could not sleep for fear that someone was coming to get me, we hung out all day watching the manatee in the bay, my dad was my saviour....and it breaks my heart to think of the pain that I caused him.

At 19 I ran off and married a man 10 years my elder, I never said where I was going or when I would be back my parents actually thought that I had been abducted. after 2 days of being married I realized that I was not a wife but a prisoner (long story for another day) I was locked in a basement and held against my will for 3 months before my I could run away...my father was there to pick me up, carry me home, and was more than willing to "correct the problem". Thankfully my dad can have a clear conscious, the law handled the "problem", but my father had to put me back together....

Not sure that you can ever be ready to say goodbye, but I know that my time with him is very short...a heart transplant 3 years ago and CML are eating away the moments we have left. I treasure the time that we still have ahead of us and dread them all at the same time I run through everything I want to say to him every time we talk and I still don't think he knows how much i love him, I refuse to let him talk about death around me, I make my kids tell him how much they love him everyday, and I cry at night to think that my youngest two will probably never remember him alive...

The phone rang the other night at 1 am and I was so afraid that it would be my mom on the other end I could not answer it, Brandon had to reach over me to get the phone only to find out it was a wrong number, I have let the fear of what is to come paralyze me and I know that it is keeping me from enjoying the time that we do have left, I just don't know how to stop it.

I never let my dad walk me down an isle, I did not want to feel like he was ever giving me away (this thrilled Brandon, he hates weddings)....I pray everyday that my dad finds a place of comfort and that I have a peace about what is the inevitable......

I have no clue why this has been so heavy on my heart, it's not like he is much worse this week than he was last week, but it has been pulling on me for months now.......

I am a Daddy's Little Girl to this day....